Do You Even Know What It Isnt
Dear songs are where nosotros go our passion, our soul — and most of our worst ideas.
Nothing proficient tin come of this. Photo past Achim Voss/Flickr.
Throughout human history, oceans have been crossed, mountains take been scaled, and neat families have blossomed — all because of a few simple chords and a melody that inflamed a heart and propelled information technology on a noble, romantic mission.
On the other hand, that fourth dimension you lot told that daughter you lot but started seeing that you would "catch a grenade" for her? You did that because of a love vocal. And it wasn't exactly a coincidence that she suddenly decided to "lose your number" and move back to Milwaukee to "effigy some stuff out."
"Information technology's just, my mom. Y'all know? And Fifty.A. is and so hot in the summer. And yeah, my mom." Photo via iStock.
That fourth dimension y'all held that smash box over your head exterior your ex's house? You lot did that because of a love song. And 50 hours of community service later, you're still not back together.
Love songs are bang-up. They make our hearts beat faster. They inspire u.s.a. to take risks and put our feelings on the line. And they give united states of america terrible, terrible ideas virtually how bodily, real-life human being relationships should work.
They're amazing. And so amazing. And also terrible.
Hither are half dozen love songs that sound romantic only aren't, and one vocal that doesn't sound romantic but totally is:
1. "God Only Knows," by The Beach Boys
You can continue your "Surfin' Safaris," your "I Get Arounds," and your "Aid me Rhondas."
When it comes to The Beach Boys, "God Just Knows" is where information technology's at. A lush garden of soft horns and breezy melody. A tie-dye swirl of sound. A mural of haunted innocence with some of the most heartrending lyrics always committed to the dorsum of a surfboard.
Youth! Youth! Youth! Photo by Hulton Archive/Getty Images.
Here'southward why it sounds romantic:
I may not always love you
But long as at that place are stars in a higher place you
You never need to doubtfulness it
I'll make you so sure about it
God only knows what I'd be without you
If you lot're traipsing through a meadow in a sundress with your beloved and non playing "God But Knows" on your iPod, yous should actually finish and start over.
If you're lazily bumping a beach brawl over a volleyball net and "God Only Knows" isn't playing somewhere in the back of your mind, you need to rethink the choices that got you to this signal.
If you're a video editor compiling footage of grainy hippies frolicking in the mud and you lot're not underscoring it with the opening chords of "God Simply Knows," you are doing it wrong.
Hippies, likely on their fashion to a mud frolic. Photo by Colin Davey/Getty Images.
It'due south a vocal that simply feels similar love. Pure love. Immature dearest. Dear with a arctic, kelp-y vibe.
What could be wrong with that?
Here's why it's really actually, really unromantic:
There's nada wrong with loving someone. Sending them flowers. Leaving over-the-height notes in their P.O. boxes. Stroking their pilus as they fall asleep while you whisper the complete works of Nicholas Sparks into their ear.
"Miles Ryan stood on the dorsum porch of his firm, smoking a cigarette..." Photograph past hatchettebookgroup.biz.
Just at that place is such a affair equally loving someone a skosh also much.
If you should ever leave me
Though life would notwithstanding go on believe me
The earth could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me?
Await, I get it. Breakups suck. There'south no getting around that. But expert God.
In that location's a huge difference between saying: "Hey babe, you lot are my first and foremost everything and I'll be bummed if yous go." And proverb: "Welp, you accepted that job in Seattle, so I'm just gonna chug a bunch of nightshade and call information technology a life."
But that's pretty much the gist hither. Which makes this line...
God simply knows what I'd exist without you
...horror-moving picture creepy. Considering the answer, apparently, is: "I'd be a corpse!"
Ah well. We had a good run. Photograph via iStock.
That's not love. That's codependency (to put it mildly). Oh, and hey! Threatening to kill yourself if your partner leaves isn't loving. It'southward a grade of emotional corruption.
Investing all your happiness and sense of cocky-worth in any relationship — one that, past definition, might i twenty-four hours end — is putting a lot of eggs in one handbasket. Sure, God may only know what yous'd be without her, but God probably too hopes you lot have, I don't know, some hobbies. Take a yoga grade. Google some woodworking videos. Attempt kite surfing.
"Yeah! Hell yeah! What was her name again?" Photo by Jim Semlor/Federal Highway Administration.
One person cannot be anyone's be-all and end-all. It'south too stressful. And it prevents y'all from doing you, which is a affair that'southward gotta exist done before yous can do anything else.
No wonder she took that task in Seattle.
2. "Treasure," by Bruno Mars
Certain, it'south a blatant rip off of every Michael Jackson song yous've ever heard. Merely, we don't accept Michael Jackson anymore, and every bit tribute acts go, you could practice a lot worse than Bruno Mars.
Expect at that face. That face! Photograph by Brothers Le/Flickr.
Hither's why the song sounds romantic:
Treasure, that is what you are
Honey, you're my golden star
You lot know you tin make my wish come true
If you lot permit me treasure you
If you let me treasure you
Laissez passer those lyrics to anyone on a used napkin at an eighth-class make-out party and y'all'll likely get an instant cost laissez passer on the highway to tongue-town (ew).
Pass them to your spouse and, chances are, date dark is going to culminate in 47 minutes of chaste-still-passionate frenching.
Laissez passer them to a cop who pulls you over for running a cease sign, and they will recollect you lot're weird — but probably notwithstanding make out with you.
In fact, Bruno Mars basically has a lifetime pass to make out with America because of this song.
This is what happens when you write "Treasure" and you're on phase with Michelle Obama. Photograph by Mandel Ngan/Getty Images.
And I'1000 OK with that.
Simply, here'south why "Treasure" isn't as romantic every bit it seems:
Everything about "Treasure" is retro. Everything.
Including its attitudes well-nigh gender.
"Children, have I ever told you what I shouted at your mother on the street the first time we met?" Photograph past Jacobsen/Getty Images.
Things start to become southward right from the very start:
Requite me your, give me your, give me your attention, baby
I gotta tell you a fiddling something about yourself
Ah yeah. Nil screams "respect" quite like a human lecturing a strange adult female on the street near something she "doesn't know well-nigh herself."
What could it be? Could it be that her jokes are funny? Could it be that she'southward got something in her teeth? Could information technology exist that her nonfiction book about early modern German history is extremely detailed and informative?
"Thanks for teaching me all about Martin Luther's bible!" Photo by Torsten Schleese/Wikimedia Commons.
Spoiler Alert: It'southward none of those.
You're wonderful, flawless, ooh, you're a sexy lady
But you walk effectually here like you wanna be someone else
Oh. It'due south that she's sexy. Absurd, bro. Very original.
Word of communication? Regardless of how she's walking, the lady knows she'southward sexy. Even if she doesn't, it actually doesn't bear upon her twenty-four hours-to-twenty-four hours so much that y'all, a complete stranger, need to shout it at her (even over a funky disco snare).
So what if she does want to be someone else? I'd dear to be someone else! I think existence Ryan Gosling would be quite overnice. A skillful way to spend a three-twenty-four hours weekend.
Certain, in that location'd be an adjustment period... Photograph by Eamonn One thousand. McCormack/Getty Images.
And so later, of course, the narrator tin can't aid himself:
Pretty daughter, pretty girl, pretty daughter, you should be smiling
A girl similar you should never look so blue.
He respects her so much, he's really direct-up telling her to smile! Much like Mars' character "Uptown Funk," who appears to get off on angrily exhorting girls to "hitting [their] hallelujah." Which, yous know, I guess everybody's got a matter.
Yes, in the earth of "Treasure," a healthy relationship is an unending stream of a man complimenting a strange woman and said woman beingness so totally flattered that she immediately dispenses "the sex."
He then proceeds to talk to his potential lover similar the world's creepiest pirate:
You are my treasure, you are my treasure
You are my treasure, yep, you lot, y'all, you, you are
Y'all are my treasure, yous are my treasure
You are my treasure, yeah, you, you, y'all, y'all are
By this point, in his listen, she'south a literal thing. An object. Which is fitting.
I suppose it could exist worse, though. At least she'southward non just any thing.
GIF from "The Two Towers."
That'south ... something, right?
three. "Don't Recollect Twice, It's All Correct," by Bob Dylan
For as long every bit humans have been dating each other, humans have been breaking upward with each other. And "Don't Call up Twice" is a portrait of a relationship going down in flames. Glorious, poetic, audio-visual flames.
Bob Dylan, a guy who is good at writing songs that a lot of people like. Photo past William Lovelace/Getty Images.
Here's why it sounds romantic:
Well, it ain't no employ to sit and wonder why, baby
Even you don't know by now
And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, infant
It'll never do somehow
When your rooster crows at the break of dawn
Look out your window, and I'll exist gone
You're the reason I'm a-traveling on
But don't remember twice, it's all correct.
Nail. Strummed on out of that friends-with-benefits state of affairs like whoa.
"Don't Think Twice" is a raw vocal. An honest vocal. A powerful song. It'south the song your older sis played on continuous loop for six months later her young man left for higher. The vocal that convinced your Aunt Roslyn to go out her bank-teller job, load her iv Australian shepherds into the van, and open a wind chinkle store in Mendocino. The song your friend's cool dad always wants to play when he invited your loftier schoolhouse band over to his apartment to jam.
"What timbre are you looking for?" Photo by Sharon Ang/Pixabay.
Sure, it's nigh the stop of a relationship, but it sounds romantic. And at the terminate of the solar day, shouldn't that be enough?
Here'due south why it's really sooooo messed upward:
Relationships end. For a lot of reasons. And while there is no right manner to telephone call information technology quits with someone, when the grit settles, both parties can certainly benefit from a hard, honest discussion about what went wrong.
It'south not me, Joan. Information technology's you. 100% you. Photograph by Rowland Scherman/Getty Images.
In "Don't Think Twice," that discussion basically boils down to: "It's your fault."
Let'south review the reasons the dude in "Don't Think Twice" is splitting with his lady friend:
I gave her my middle, but she wanted my soul
Ugh, women, correct? Yous're all like, "Babe, I simply have so much unspecified love to give," and she's similar, "Take out the trash!" And you lot're like, "Merely baaaaaaabe, shouldn't my heart exist plenty?" And she's like, "No, seriously. I already did the laundry, cleaned the whole house, fed the canis familiaris, did the dishes, and made both of our lunches for the week. All I demand you to do is accept out the trash." And you're like, "You're bumming me out. I'yard gonna go play guitar." And so she gets all mad! What did you exercise? Why is she trying to change you? UGH!
You could have washed better, simply I don't heed
Yep. Y'all do mind! Y'all listen! Yous wrote a song about it, you passive-aggressive prick.
Yous merely kinda wasted my precious fourth dimension
Ah yes. Your time is so precious! Call back virtually all the hours yous wasted plumbing the ocean-deep, ecstatic mysteries of man partnership when y'all could take been futzing around with that home-brew kit.
Yes, this was worth it. Photo by Bill Bradford/Flickr.
The minute you outset breaking it down, the bulletin of "Don't Call up Twice" all of a sudden starts to seem a lot less romantic. Like your sister'southward ex-boyfriend, who worked at the Bass Pro Shop in town for a while and now might be in jail. Like your aunt'due south wind chime store, which would have closed forever ago had she not received that inheritance from her mom in the '80s. Similar your friend's cool dad, who wasn't exactly, technically, paying child support.
"You kids want a beer? No one's under 13, right?" Photo via iStock.
Oh yeah, and the song's narrator too bespeak-blank refers woman he'southward leaving equally:
A child, I'm told
That's right. In addition to beingness a run-of-the-mill passive-aggressive jerk — turns out, he'south also peradventure a pedophile.
Fifty-fifty if we are to take that this is a metaphor and she'south non really a kid — which in that location's no indication it is, just OK, Bob Dylan — the fact that Commitmentphobe Gunderson hither would willingly cull an young partner reflects way more poorly on him than it does on her.
Breaking upwardly with anyone in such a cruel, dismissive way is a recipe for sticking them with years of therapy bills.
Which, I suppose, may be the indicate.
iv. "Leaving on a Jet Plane," by John Denver
Who has two thumbs and wrote a bittersweet folk song about hurtling through the stratosphere in a behemothic aluminum tube at 600 miles per hour?
This guy. Photo by Hughes Television Network/Wikimedia Commons.
Hither'southward why it sounds romantic:
"Leaving on a Jet Airplane" is a lovely song. And impressive in its loveliness considering jet planes were notwithstanding kind of new at the time it was written.
'Crusade I'k leavin' on a jet airplane
To a modernistic ear, this would be sort of like singing, "I'g a scoooting away on my hoverboooooard," but in a manner that'due south somehow still folksy and heartbreaking and singable by 9-year-olds at summer camp. Non easy to practise!
Oh babe, I hate to become
Y'all see — he hates to get! He just hates information technology! We know this, because he tells united states he hates it. And why would he hate to go if he didn't love his partner just that much?
Meet ya! Photograph past Altair78/Wikimedia Eatables.
Why indeed?
Here'south why it'due south actually non that romantic at all:
All the plaintive guitar, loping bass line, and twangy, melancholy warbling in the world can simply distract and so much from the fact that the song's principal graphic symbol is well, kind of a jerkweed.
And in reality — surprise surprise! — it doesn't actually seem similar he hates being away all that much:
There's and so many times I've allow you downwardly
Then many times I've played around
I tell you now, they don't hateful a thing
"Babe, I hope! All the movies I watched lone while you lot were habitation nursing the quadruplets. All the times I drained our life savings on Zoo Zillionaire. All the random sex activity I had with other women. Totally meaningless. Certainly fun to do! Really fun. Similar, I had a fantastic fourth dimension. But rest assured — completely empty, in an ontological sense."
"As empty as this bed I just finished having sex with someone else in." Photo via iStock.
Yep, when you break information technology down, "Leaving on a Jet Aeroplane," is less of a passionate tribute to love overcoming distance and more the deluded ramblings of a guy who needs to convince himself he's "practiced" despite all evidence to the contrary.
And for all he claims to be broken up about having to part from his one and only, the dude seems pretty excited near the flight. Oh, you're leaving on a jet airplane, are you? Are you Zone i? Gonna humblebrag on Twitter about the "terrible" Cibo express salad you were forced to choke down as yous saturday waiting to commence on your fun, mysterious risk?
"Life so hard @ LGA #missingmybabe." Photograph by Gesalbte/Wikimedia Commons.
He continues:
Ev'ry place I become, I'll retrieve of you lot
Ev'ry song I sing, I'll sing for y'all
Ah absurd. He'll remember about her while strumming and making "my honey is delicate as the morning dew" eyes at a waif-y grad student in the forepart row. That pretty much makes up for information technology all.
And so he demands:
So kiss me and grinning for me
Tell me that y'all'll wait for me
After all the betrayal and heartbreak, after basically revealing himself to be a grade-A sleaze who can't be trusted, he still has the gall to tell her to await? To wait for him?
And here'southward the kicker:
When I come up back, I'll bring your wedding ring
Ah yep. He'll put a ring on information technology. Finally.
"Ehhhhhhh...." Photo via iStock.
Unlike all the previous trips, where he's cheated a billion times, drained the family banking company account, and just been a general screwup and thwarting.
But yeah. This time he says he'll bring back a wedding ring.
I hope she joins a polyamorous octad and never looks dorsum.
5. "When a Man Loves a Woman," Percy Sledge
When you wait upwards "soul" in the dictionary, the volume plays you a recording of this song.
Percy Sledge, having a few thoughts. Photo past Cistron Pugh/Flickr.
Specifically, it plays you the very starting time line.
Hither's why it sound very romantic:
When a man loves a woman
Sure, y'all can write the lyrics down, just information technology doesn't fifty-fifty come close to capturing the heartache. The yearning. The delicious, delicious hurting-belting:
WHEN A Human LOVES A WOMAN
Closer ... only still no.
WHEN A MAAAAAAAN. LOVES A WOOOMAN!
Yes! Sing it, Percy Sledge!
It's an elemental lyric.
It'southward a heart-shattering lyric.
It's a lyric that demands you lot put your back into it.
Information technology's perfection.
Equally long as you don't keep listening.
Here's why the song is actually pretty horrifying:
From the opening lines of "When a Man Loves a Woman," we know that, at least on occasion, a man loves a woman.
Which raises the question: What happens when said man loves said woman?
He'd give up all his comforts
And sleep out in the rain
If she said that's the mode
It ought to be.
Whoa! OK. No. Back up. A human being, no matter how devoted, no thing how selfless, no matter how in love, needs shelter. Otherwise, a man volition dice of exposure and hypothermia.
Plow his back on his best friend if he put her downward.
No! Jeez. No. A man can't put up with that kind of isolating behavior. A human being needs friends! Once a human'southward whole support organisation erodes out from nether him, a man will be bitter, ungrounded, and alone. And a man'due south mental health will deteriorate.
I gave you everything I accept
Tryin' to hold on to your heartless love
Baby, please don't treat me bad.
This is non what happens "when a man loves a woman." It's what happens when a homo loves a decision-making, manipulative adult female. An abusive woman. A woman who, in truth, but loves a woman. Herself.
"Information technology's Chris or me." Photo by geralt/Pixabay.
And that's not healthy.
Run, Percy Sledge, run! Nosotros're here for you.
(Side annotation: Lest information technology go implied, there is way more than one fashion for a man to dear a adult female. Peradventure they spend every waking moment cuddling and bopping each other on the nose. Mayhap they sleep in separate bedrooms. Maybe they apparel up in large, costly cat costumes and refer to each other Mr. and Mrs. Kittyhawk. And when a man loves a human being, I imagine it feels much the same. Or when a woman loves a woman. Or when a gender nonconforming person loves a gender nonconforming person.)
Regardless of the depth of commitment, living state of affairs, or combination of genders or sexual orientations, there'southward no ane-size-fits-all love solution. Every human relationship is a unique snowflake. Variety is the spice of life. Necessity is the mother of invention. At that place'due south more than 1 fashion to peel a true cat. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine become downward.
It doesn't matter if information technology's the right metaphor, as long as information technology's a metaphor. Photo by Rosmarie Voegtli/Flickr.
Point being: Generalize at your peril, Sledge. And please, seek help! You lot can do this! And if you lot ever find yourself in a similar situation, delight requite these people a call.
6. "All I Wanna Practise is Make Dearest to You," Heart
Honestly, Heart could sing a list of the most popular AllRecipes ("Jaaaamie's Cranberry Spinach Saaaaalad/Earth's All-time Lasaaaaagna/Sour Creeeeeam Cutouts") and it would brand me want to bawl my optics out in the arms of a tall, night stranger at the finish of a pier.
This vocal is perfect. Y'all should ever exist listening to information technology. If yous're not listening to it now, smack yourself in the face and Google information technology. Information technology'south just that important.
I am singing the phone book. You are weeping similar a tiny baby. Photo by FatCat125/Wikimedia Commons.
So much passion. So much pain. So much hair.
Here'south why information technology sounds romantic:
Over pounding drums and a soaring melody, Heart sisters Nancy and Ann Wilson deliver a cardinal tribute to the one true romantic fantasy shared by every living being on Earth: picking up an unnervingly bonny human being for one dark of heed-blowing sex and and then releasing him back into the wild to bone — but never quite as compellingly ever over again.
They sing:
It was a rainy night when he came into sight
Continuing by the road, no umbrella, no glaze
So I pulled up alongside and I offered him a ride
He accepted with a smile and then we drove for a while
I don't take to get on because you know what happens next, and it's awesome.
"I just sit in this cabin. Counting the days since. Counting ... the ... days." Photograph past Rene Asmussen/Pexels.
Now, here's why this song is not romantic at all:
The relationship in "All I Wanna Do" seems likewise good to be true. And information technology is. Because it'south not an equally loving ,or even as lusty, pairing at all.
It'south a...
Information technology's a...
Well. You know what it is:
Good at recognizing no-win situations and delicious with lemon?! Photo past Pikawil/Flickr.
For a while, things are bustling forth just fine, like any wholesome, illicit, anonymous matter should:
I didn't ask him his name, this lonely boy in the pelting
Fate, tell me it'south right, is this love at showtime sight?
Certain, many of u.s.a. might hesitate to pick up a strange leather-jacket-clad human standing on the side of the road for a no-strings-attached screw, merely our narrator only has a feeling about this guy, and sometimes, you gotta go with your gut.
I can respect that.
We made magic that night
He did everything right
Neat! Seems similar it was a good decision. Bonking the hitchhiker is payin' off big time.
Simply then, without alarm, the song starts to audio less like an best great romance and more similar a story men's rights activists tell each other equally they vape around a bivouac:
I told him "I am the bloom, you are the seed
We walked in the garden, we planted a tree
Don't attempt to find me, delight don't y'all dare
Only live in my retentivity, you'll always be there"
I'one thousand not a poet. Symbolic linguistic communication often eludes me. But unless "flower," "seed," "garden," and "tree," suddenly mean wildly different things in the context of human reproduction than they have since sexual practice was first invented in the early-1970s, we're talking about a surprise, non-mutually-consensual pregnancy!
HELLO! Photograph past Avsar Aras/Wikimedia Eatables.
Of course, metaphors are opaque, interpretations vary, etc., etc., etc. You might be tempted to think, "Maybe Heart meant something else by that."
To that I say, no, they definitely meant it:
So it happened ane twenty-four hours
We came round the aforementioned style
You tin can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own optics
There are ii possibilities here.
One: The narrator of the song is recently-deceased Jerry Orbach from this creepy New York City subway ad from ix years ago:
Photo by eyedonation.org.
Or two: She totally conned a dude into whipping up a baby on the sly.
I said, "Please, please empathize
Ah, sure. Aye. No worries.
I'm in dearest with another man
Cool, so this all makes sense and is in no way the nightmarish scheme of a deranged sociopath who has now wrecked not i but two lives.
And what he couldn't give me, oh, no
Was the one little thing that you can"
A HUMAN LIFE! A Real SENTIENT HUMAN LIFE THAT IS NOT INCIDENTAL TO ALL OF THIS!
The all-time y'all tin can say about that is that information technology'due south non technically illegal, and that leather-jacket man probably should take been responsible for his own birth control. Or, at the very to the lowest degree, asked more questions .
Simply ... it's not beautiful. It's not romantic (even the Wilson sisters themselves hold).
And at the cease of the day, the shadiest character in this vocal is somehow not the rain-soaked hitchhiker wandering to nowhere in the night.
Which... is saying something.
But in that location is a love vocal that is truly, madly, deeply perfect. An unassailable track in a sea of problematic faves.
A song that does everything correct.
A song that paints a portrait of a salubrious partnership congenital to concluding.
A vocal that can double as a manual for the ideal human romantic relationship.
And that song is...
"Candy Shop," by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia
Here's why y'all might be — OK, almost definitely are — skeptical:
fifty Cent (L) and that guy. You know, that guy? That guy! Photograph by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.
As catchy as "Processed Store" is, as fun it is to trip the light fantastic toe to, and as cathartic equally information technology tin be to scream in the middle of a crowded fraternity business firm at 2 a.one thousand., there's no getting around the fact that the song begins like this:
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll let you lick the lollipop
I'll mail service that again, in example yous missed some of the nuance:
I'll take you to the candy shop
I'll allow you lick the lollipop
Way to take ane for the team, narrator of "Processed Shop"!
At beginning glance, "Processed Shop" is nobody's idea of a classic beloved vocal.
The lyrics are ... unusually forrard. The vanquish is kinda basic. The hook is like the music they play when Abu Nazir sidles scarily by in "Homeland."
OooooOOOOoooooOOOo. GIF from "Homeland."
It doesn't go played much anymore. When it does resurface, it feels ... kinda dated. Similar watching that DVD of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" on your new Xbox 360.
It'due south not a song y'all'd put on a mixtape for your beat. It's not a song you'd play for your spouse when the kids are at home with the babysitter and you've got nine hours to tear upward the Piscataway Hampton Inn. It'due south certainly not a vocal y'all'd include on the video photo montage you made for your grandparents' silver ceremony.
It's just not.
But it should be.
And then here information technology is. Here's why "Candy Shop" by 50 Cent, featuring Olivia, is actually the perfect relationship song:
Yous wanna back that thing upwardly or should I push button up on it? Photo by ionasnicolae/Pixabay.
The bass drum hits. The MIDI violins whine. The singer starts filling out his fellatio permission slip. It'south only been twenty seconds, and you're already getting ready to hang information technology upward with "Candy Shop."
But and then ... over the square thrum and the mewling strings, a miracle occurs — in the grade of a female vocalization joining the track, cutting through the din like a clarion telephone call.
She sings:
I'll take you to the processed shop (yeah)
Boy, ane gustation of what I got (uh-huh)
I'll have you lot spendin' all you got (come on)
Keep going 'til you hitting the spot, whoa
It's mutual! It's common! They're performing oral sex on each other!
Band the bells! Bang the drums! Release the doves!
Go, cunnilingus doves, go! Photo by liz w/Flickr.
50 Cent himself may not be the earth's greatest partner — for example, according to one of his exes, he's done some pretty unforgivable things.
Merely the narrator of "Processed Shop"? He gets it:
Y'all could have it your way, how do you want it?
Rather than merely imposing his desires on the person he's with — a la the dude in "God Simply Knows ("I'm going to invest my unabridged sense of self-worth in you!") or the street heckler in "Treasure" ("I'thou going to care for you like a chest full of aureate doubloons!") or the sociopath in "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You," ("I'grand going to play a joke on you into knocking me up!") — the "Candy Shop" guy really asks his partner what she wants.
Which, in the globe of popular music, is proficient for about 50,000 trillion points.
And where are they going to do it? The hotel? Back of the rental? The beach? The park?
It's whatever you're into
'Crusade consent is sexy!
I own't finished teaching you 'bout how sprung I got ya
The narrator of "Candy Store" is certainly ... believing about his desires.
Just here'due south the cardinal thing: the lady on the receiving end of those desires? She's conspicuously into information technology. And we know this because she says then.
The lines of consent in "Candy Shop" are vivid red, highlighted, and soldered into the weirdly sticky society floor.
Meanwhile, Robin Thicke is exterior trying to convince the bouncer that his uncle is a lawyer. Photo by Grim23/Wikimedia Commons.
Girl what we do ...
And where we practise ...
The things nosotros do ...
Are but between me and you
No thing how nasty they freak, information technology will be intimate. It will be individual. In that location will be no revenge porn (the epilogue to "Blurred Lines," to wit, would definitely be a protracted, emotionally devastating lawsuit).
If you be a nympho, I'll be a nympho
Sexual compatibility is key to the survival of any relationship, whether years, weeks, or (very maybe in the case of "Candy Shop") minutes long.
She may have a high sex drive, but dude is graciously offering to accommodate her. What a gentleman! These crazy kids only might become the distance subsequently all.
And at the finish of the mean solar day, what is a relationship just two nymphos, sharing health insurance?
Thanks, Obamacare! Photo by Wonderlane/Flickr.
Information technology's like information technology's a race who could get undressed quicker
Again, everybody is having a peachy time. And, critically, an every bit dandy time.
I affect the right spot at the right time
Of course, it wouldn't exist a popular/hip-hop hitting without a spot of random braggadocio, simply if we're to take him at his word, "Processed Store" guy is at least as good at "doing everything right" as the anonymous hitchhiker from "All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You" — except without all the creepy surprise baby nonsense.
The "Candy Shop" guy is a keeper. Because he'south not a hero or a stranger in the nighttime or a funky, shimmering love god. He's a skilful partner.
"Candy Shop" is raunchy. It's dirty. It's not your grandmother's dear song.
But when y'all strip away the swagger, the dorsum beat, and the weird strings from "Best of Public Domain Centre Eastern Music 1993," by the end of the song, both people are satisfied. And at the end of the day, isn't that what a healthy relationship is all about?
Yep.
Uh-huh.
Photo by Francois Durand/Getty Images.
So seductive.
Source: https://www.upworthy.com/6-songs-that-seem-romantic-but-arent-and-one-that-seems-like-it-isnt-but-is
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